What’s the right answer? How do we know when bringing our authentic selves to work bonds us with our colleagues versus when oversharing becomes too much? And how can we engage with our colleagues who interact in a way that makes us uncomfortable?

1. Find your comfort zone

First, you need to understand what makes you comfortable. “The common advice is that you either need to be social, talk to everyone and bring your whole self to work, or that you should be very professional and you shouldn’t be sharing those things—and [that] it’s wrong, too, and it’s uncomfortable and it’s unprofessional. It might get you sued,” says Phoebe Gavin, career and leadership coach at Better With Phoebe. “But both of those are wrong. They’re each so prescriptive that they don’t allow people to be themselves and to build organic relationships with the people they’re interacting with.”

“You are where you are. Recognize where everyone else is and make a decision about how you want to find some sort of harmony,” says Gavin. “It’s about being mindful.”

Keeping work and personal life separate can be hard. “The lines are going to blur; there’s no way around it. We spend just as much time, and in some cases more time, with our colleagues than we do with our friends and family members. So it makes sense for these things to start to blur together,” notes Gavin.

2. Respect other people’s comfort zones

Once you know your personal comfort zone, notice how you differ from others. What vibes do other people give off and how are you meeting those needs? “We tend to communicate with others the way we want them to communicate with us,” says Carolina Caro, team coach and founder of Conscious Leadership Partners. “Practicing adaptability means meeting another person where they are versus where we are. In other words, if you know someone is reserved, you might refrain from divulging personal details, even if that’s your preference. If I’m speaking to you, I take notice of your comfort level, and I might adjust, but that adjustment is conscious. I’m doing it because I want to have a better relationship. I want to connect with you more.”

Allowing space for all those different personalities will help an organization thrive. “The idea is that the environment accepts the tapestry of comfort levels and experiences rather than dictating a norm,” says Caro. “That means sharing about our personal lives, to the extent we feel comfortable, which can vary from person to person.”

Older generations may be less comfortable sharing personal information at work, where the younger generations may prefer to bring their whole selves to work. A recent Gallup poll shows that workers, especially those from Generation Z, are less engaged at work in 2024, partly because they feel less connected to their organization’s culture.

“We’re continuing to learn how to make environments inclusive,” says Caro. “Creating space for everyone to be who they are, respecting differences. That means no judgment. Now, having said that, we are all unique, so how do we train people to be OK meeting someone where they are?”

How much we share at work and how we manage personal situations that may be difficult is part of the larger culture that comes from the top down. “Brené Brown talks about how, in order to create those spaces, we have to set the tone. A leader who talks about her own infertility gives permission for other individuals to do the same. Many of the reasons why people don’t share is to be protective. Teaching people that they can let down their guard and that you’re not going to hurt them or use that information against them is key—a position that comes from leadership,” Caro explains.

3. Read the room

While sharing so we get our needs met is important, we don’t want to get caught “trauma dumping,” which can happen when sharing overwhelmingly traumatic personal information and hindering the organization’s ability to get work done. “Notice if it’s an actual workplace issue or stuff you’re bringing from your life into this space which is affecting your ability to do your job,” says Azizi Marshall, mental health and workplace wellness expert at the Center for Creative Arts Therapy. Take a step back and read the room and the body language of others. “Notice if they cross their arms and look around the room like they’re looking for an exit. If their feet are pointed away from you, they’re most likely trying to get away from the conversation.” Instead of venting for a lengthy period of time, figure out the problem and find a way to come up with a solution. “There has to be some sort of balance between both the organization and the people involved,” says Marshall.

4. Express your needs and offer a solution

We all have to balance personal needs with professional goals. And we can share enough so we can accomplish both. “If you are a work–life separator, but you’re in a situation where you need accommodations from work, there’s a way to convey that to the people who need to know that allows you to only share what is necessary and to share in a way that is neutral,” says Marshall, “and that would respect your own preference for keeping things as separate as possible while also getting you what you need.”

For example, “If somebody has ADHD, working in an open-air environment can be overwhelming,” says Marshall. “It’s going to pull you all different ways, and you’re going to be exhausted by the end of the day. Ask for a reasonable accommodation, for example, to wear headphones while you’re in the open-air space. Or ask to work in a corner area where there’s not as many distractions, so you can stay focused and get your work done.” This achieves a balance that benefits both the employee and the employer. “Once an employee is in a place where they are supported and know they can ask for help when they’re struggling, then they’re more likely to stay with the organization. They’re more likely to take on those extra projects because they know the business has their back.”

Photo courtesy Mangostar/Shutterstock.com

The post How Much Should We Share About Our Personal Lives at Work? appeared first on SUCCESS.

We spoke with Solomon about her book and her work as a clinician, educator and author to learn how to improve self-awareness in relationships and build healthier connections. 

Q&A with Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D.

(This conversation has been edited for clarity and length.)

SUCCESS: To start, can you tell me a little bit about your work? 

Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D.: I am trained as a licensed clinical psychologist and a couples therapist. My career for the last 25 years has been like the three corners of a triangle.: I do clinical work with individuals and couples of all ages and stages of relationship development. I teach an undergraduate relationship and sexuality education class at Northwestern University called “Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101.” Then the third corner of the triangle is all the translational work that I do translating clinical wisdom and research into the self-help books that I write, the podcast and social media. 

S: Love Every Day is in a 365 format. Tell me about your decision to structure it this way. 

AS: I love books that are 365. I think it’s such a generous offering for an author to give you a little tidbit for every day. I think I created something that I’ve always enjoyed consuming, but I think there’s also a way that the format of the book parallels both a therapeutic, healing journal and the work of being in an intimate partnership. 

S: Relationships are also about consistency, and maybe getting in the habit of reading a daily relationship practice could be fun, too. 

AS: It’s been really sweet to hear the stories about how couples are using this book. For example, the book sits on the kitchen table and the couple reads an entry over their morning coffee or it’s sitting on their nightstand and they take a peek at the entry before they go to bed. It doesn’t have to be every single day. I don’t want people to feel like there’s an all- or- nothing approach. 

S: Why is it so important to know yourself while you’re considering and dissecting your relationships? 

AS: There are two arenas from which we source our hopes, expectations and fears in intimate partnerships. One is the family system that we grew up in—we bring all of our family dynamics in. The other is a kind of cultural socialization—the cultural expectations for relationships and gendered expectations about relationships. 

S: Relationships have evolved. What would you say has remained consistent about relationships throughout the time of your practice?

AS: The first batch of college students that I taught are now well into their forties. I have a generational perspective on college students and also couples. There’s a lot that has remained consistent the last couple of decades. We continue to bring our wounds and baggage into our intimate relationships, and we are really craving a place to be seen, heard and understood. 

S: We have a reluctance now to define relationships. Tell me about how these generational differences play out. 

AS: That’s the biggest pattern that I have seen in my college classroom. When I started teaching the class 24 years ago, it was not at all uncommon for me to have an engaged couple in my class. If I polled my students, they would fall into one of two buckets: single or partnered. If I polled my students this year, it would have been singled, kind of singled, a little bit partnered but I don’t know what it is, and then committed. There’s much more relational ambiguity, and part of that is a reflection of the larger social shifts. 

S: In that case, you can practice relational self-awareness, no matter what kind of relationship you’re seeking or what you want out of your relationships—even if the end goal is not necessarily marriage. 

AS: I think that when we practice relational self-awareness, people feel safe around us. People feel warm around us, like seen and cared for. So it is definitely a kind of set of practices and principles that really enhance all of our relationships. 

S: What would you say are the most important pillars of strength in a relationship from a self-awareness lens? 

AS: One pillar that is essential is the ability to apologize and the ability to forgive. Relationship ruptures are going to happen. It is inevitable that we are going to be frustrated by our partner. Another essential skill for our romantic relationships is sexual self-awareness. Being willing to approach the inevitable sexual challenges that couples face with care and curiosity versus fear and judgment. Last, our family system we grew up in has such a huge impact on how we show up in our romantic relationships. Relational self-awareness is about knowing when your reactivity is about more than just this moment with your partner.

S: Is there anything in particular that you would really want someone to take away after reading your book?

AS: I think the most important thing is to let go of the highly romanticized notion that relationships shouldn’t be work or—that if you hit a bump in the road or there are struggles or problems, it must mean that you’ve chosen wrong. In your relationship, moments of frustration and misunderstanding are also opportunities to learn more about yourself and more about your partner.

Image courtesy of Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D.

The post Daily Tips to Bring Self-Awareness to Romantic Relationships appeared first on SUCCESS.

Clearly define “friendship”

To figure out who your friends are, first define the word. A friendship is “a relationship between two people where they both feel seen and safe in satisfying ways,” says Shasta Nelson, a social relationships expert and the author of The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of Our Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time. Nelson claims that multiple research studies say people who have healthy friendships have “consistency, vulnerability and positivity” in their relationships.

It’s also important to note that friends, unlike your family, are a choice. “Friendship is voluntary,” says Anna Goldfarb, a journalist and author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections. “It’s one of the only voluntary relationships where both people are on equal footing.”

Understand how friendship changes from the teenage years to adulthood

A normal part of development for teenagers is using their friendships to craft their identity and figure out where they belong. These relationships also provide a way to deal with challenging situations. Research has shown that when teens turn to their friends during stressful times, they can cope more effectively and they are happier than those who didn’t seek out friends.

Like teenage friendships, adult friendships are important for your mental health and sense of belonging. “Our friendships leave us feeling like we belong,” Nelson says. “And that ends up creating a sense of safety in our brain[s].”

Even though friendships serve a similar purpose for teenagers and adults, it can be harder to nurture friendships as adults. Goldfarb explains that one of the reasons friendships change with age is because “the problems you have are much more simple” when you’re a teenager—“[and] we have way more challenges to our free time as we get older.” She also adds that another reason for this change is time constraints. When you’re a teenager, you and your friends are typically in school together and have fewer responsibilities than adults. As adults, “we don’t have an institution gluing our friendships in place,” she says.

 6 ways to nurture your adult friendships 

1. Identify a priority friendship list

So how do you maintain adult friendships despite the challenges of having limited time and increased responsibilities? According to Nelson, the first step is to identify which friendships you want to prioritize.

It’s normal for friendships to change over time. “About half of our close friends, every seven years, might not be the same people we were close to seven years ago,” she says. “But we do want some of our friendships to continue through all of the different life changes.”

Nelson suggests writing a list of the friendships you want to prioritize. She explains that the people on the list should be “the people we’re committed to making time for [and] the people that we’re committed to reaching out to.”

Similarly, Goldfarb says, “You need to be very intentional with who you’re committing to.” She explains that you can only love a few people deeply, and if you have too many people on your list, “[you’ll be] depleted so quickly. It’s not sustainable.”

2. Tell your friends that they’re VIPs

When you marry someone, you’re defining that relationship and committing to prioritizing that person. Goldfarb says that friendships should be clearly defined in a similar way. “Tell them that they’re your close friends to get rid of ambiguity,” she says. After Goldfarb has told her friends that she considers them a best friend, she says that “it really changes the energy” by helping the other person feel certain about their relationship.

3. Explain what it means to be on your priority friend list

After you’ve told your friend that they’re on your priority list, Goldfarb advises explaining what that means to you. This helps to further remove ambiguity and is something that most teenagers easily do.

Even as adults, it’s still helpful to continue openly discussing this. “When [we were] younger,” she says, “we would be like, ‘You’re my best friend.’” Now, she defines the friendship by telling her friend, “‘I will reply to your text messages as soon as I can… [and] celebrate your birthday every year. … I’m going to commit to being there [for you].’” She explains that it’s similar to being in a fan club with perks for members.

4. Be mindful of power dynamics

Since friendships are voluntary, Goldfarb says that it’s important to be “mindful of power dynamics. Don’t try to dominate your friends—they don’t like it,” she adds. This means avoiding the word “should,” as in, “‘You should dye your hair’” or “‘You should go to this gym.’” She explains that a healthy relationship means “approaching your friend as a teammate” who you support.

5. Be consistent if a friendship is fading

If you notice that your friendship doesn’t seem as strong as it once was, Nelson suggests being more consistent. Ask your friend, “‘How can we get together and spend more time together?’” If scheduling is an issue, you could set a regular meet-up time—like getting together for coffee on Monday mornings at 8 a.m.

6. Ask and affirm if you haven’t spoken in a while

“Do the two A’s,” Nelson says. “Affirm the relationship and ask for how we can reconnect or ask for what we need.” Affirming could mean saying that you miss spending time with your friend. “That tells the person that they matter,” she says. “The goal is to verbally acknowledge that there was an absence. We’re not trying to pretend it didn’t happen.”

The next step, asking, means figuring out a way to see each other. “The goal in these cases is to acknowledge there has been a distance and a gap and then do what you can to close the gap and get that time scheduled,” Nelson adds.

As an adult, it can be hard to make time for your friendships, but you will be glad that you did. Just look at Woody from Toy Story 2, who says, “Besides, when it all ends, I’ll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company—for infinity and beyond.”

Photo courtesy Jacob Lund/Shutterstock.com

The post 6 Ways to Nurture Your Adult Friendships appeared first on SUCCESS.

“Dating apps turn something that should be fun and exciting into a grind. Do your 50 swipes, get onto the next app, copy paste your intro phrase which ‘guarantees responses,’ follow the guide to convert matches into meetups. I get the same feeling I used to applying for jobs after 2008, just throwing my profile at everyone and hoping for the best. Technology has really failed us on this front.”

So, what if you could enlist AI to do your dating for you? A few weeks ago, Bumble founder and executive chairman Whitney Wolfe Herd suggested a possible solution to the endless dates and poorly suggested matches: AI dating concierges that date other people’s AIs so you can skip the grueling part of dating online.

Effective communication can feel like a maze, no matter what your relationship status is. So, could we turn to generative AI to help with our most intimate conversations? Apps like Rizz can help users construct their dating app messages, whereas apps for couples like Ringi promise to help you maintain a connection with the partner that you have. There are also apps that offer romantic connections with AI for people who are done with humans entirely, but we will leave those for another story.

We took a deep dive into the phenomenon of technology-enhanced dating to step back from the future of dating online and discuss the technology that’s already available for the romantically inclined.

Generation Z, generative AI and dating online

It might not come as a surprise that the 2024 Youth Trends Report by market research firm Pion returned some interesting results around dating and AI: 16% of young people in the U.S., ages 16-25, who participated in the study had used generative AI to help them write messages or bios on dating sites, and 21% admitted to using photo enhancing apps. Additionally, many users were suspicious of other dating app users.

Susan Trotter, Ph.D., is a former therapist and dating coach who helps people navigate the world of dating. She notes that the dating world has had more of a disconnect since the pandemic.

“I think that many people got out of practice in terms of social skills,” says Trotter. “And I think that played out a little bit in the online dating world.”

When we consider that Generation Z is affected by both the social isolation that occurred during the pandemic as well as the rapidly changing communication standards that technology has brought on, it may not be surprising that Hinge’s first Gen Z report found that not only were 44% of Hinge daters inexperienced with dating altogether, 56% of these users reported that a fear of rejection held them back from pursuing a relationship.

Using generative AI to create long-term dating connections

The concept of an AI dating concierge isn’t so far off at this point. If people are willing to hire dating coaches for help, then it may not be very different to enlist the assistance of generative AI. Luna is an AI matchmaker by Alchemi.ai. Luna sends its users three matches a day.

In an email, CEO Oliver May told SUCCESS that Luna is not for folks looking for the short term. May wrote, “Luna is for people looking for longer term connections so is not for everyone. For people looking for quick flings or situationships, this app is not for them.”

Generative AI as a second opinion

When we talk about how we manage communication, all of us have sent a message that we wanted to get opinions about to our group chat—whether the message in question was for someone we are actively dating or for someone we want to connect with via online dating. And, in some cases, having generative AI write your messages might not be significantly different from hiring someone like Trotter.

“My clients will message me saying something like, ‘I don’t really know how to respond,’” Trotter says. “We’ll talk it through like, ‘OK, let’s look at what the questions are or what they said or how the conversation was going.’”

Ethics of using generative AI for dating online

In the online dating world, dating scams and deception abound. If you speak with one of your single friends about “bots” on dating platforms, you will likely receive a slew of responses about connecting with bot profiles. Even outside of online dating platforms there are bots that send text messages designed to lure recipients into a conversation and eventual scam, as well as fake social media users.

This has been going on since long before generative AI got hot last year, but it’s an increasingly troublesome dilemma when you consider the potential for deep fakes or AI-generated people on video chats.

But what about cases where you’ve composed all your messages with AI? Are you accurately representing yourself to your prospective partners?

“I worry a little bit about relying exclusively on AI for everything,” says Trotter. “Because at some point, you’re going to meet in real life and presumably go on a date in real life… if it starts exclusively with AI, then what happens when you’re face-to-face? You need to be authentic and rely on yourself, and I think AI interferes a little bit with that.”

Photo courtesy of Peopleimages.com/Shutterstock

The post Is AI Helping or Hindering Online Dating? appeared first on SUCCESS.

Power dynamics are borne out of a role you’ve unknowingly been cast in, making a relationship sometimes feel like a Broadway show with no intermission in sight. Friend, coworker or lover, those ingrained habits can be tricky to shake. And when behavior ripples alter your emotional status, however small, both parties may feel adrift. “Change of any sort can be difficult—even when the change is a positive one,” says clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., author of The Joy of Imperfect Love, Joy from Fear and Date Smart.

In order to keep the peace, you might cling to familiar patterns, diminish your own success and find yourself questioning whether the relationship is worth the struggle. For insights on how to navigate uncertainty, we consulted with experts in the field of psychology and relationships. Here’s their advice on how to maneuver shifting power dynamics in relationships.

1. Find the root of your emotions

When a romantic partner or friend is experiencing an upswing, you may discover competitiveness rising to the surface and feel as though your personal power is lessening. What matters most according to Manly is what you do with those feelings. Learn to make friends with envy, suggests the doctor…begin by noticing your feelings without judgment. Then look for the root cause, such as insecurity or unworthiness. Work to release those feelings and “channel your energy into following your own dreams” and “mindfully sending positive energy to the other person.”

Intimacy coach Alexandra Stockwell, M.D., host of the Intimate Marriage Podcast, says it’s crucial to examine what’s driving your feelings. Take time to reflect. It’s possible, “your jealousy stems less from your partner’s triumphs and more about wanting to have your partner back you in pursuing your goals, too,” according to Stockwell. By identifying the cause of your tension, it helps communicate your needs and allows you to celebrate your partner.

Related: 4 Steps to Stop Comparing Your Success to Others’

2. Don’t fake your feelings

Opening up isn’t always easy, especially if you anticipate the other person may become reactive, and a well-intentioned discussion may escalate into an argument. Yet clearing the air is crucial for your emotional well-being and that of the relationship.

Stockwell cautions against, “Going straight to pretending to be happy for your partner, when you actually feel more complicated feelings.” Doing so may end up “causing a rift in your relationship because your partner may have no idea what is really going on.” Meanwhile, your partner may sense you aren’t truly happy for them.

Manly recommends assessing the situation. If you’re noticing a power dynamic imbalance, or feel neglected, determine if this seems a temporary change you can grasp, or if it’s part of a larger issue. If it’s an occasional power dynamic imbalance, the doctor says, “you can mindfully navigate these periods by focusing on other aspects of your life.”

However, if the change seems long term, and “your partner is consistently focused on work and has little or no time to devote to the relationship, feelings of being ignored and unimportant are likely to become cemented over time.” In this case, the doctor suggests calmly talking to your partner about “how you might work together to create more balance and connection.”

3. Examine your ideas about money and power

When a romantic partner is earning more money than they have in the past, power dynamics can shift in both directions. It’s possible the person earning less may feel threatened. If not addressed, these destructive feelings can brew and harm the relationship.

A research study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, examined how perceived power influenced various aspects of relationships. Out of 181 heterosexual couples between ages 18 and 71 years old, findings showed the happiest couples were those who felt strong levels of personal power and collaborated on important life decisions.

Stockwell says, determine “whether money and power are linked in your relationship.” If so, the person earning more money will have more of a voice than the one earning less. When you feel depleted of power due to income, it can negatively impact the relationship over time, according to Stockwell. Try to discuss the situation without blame and come from a compassionate place—the doctor advises figuring out a way to “decouple power from money in your relationship.”

If income and assets are associated with your self-worth, “the person earning less will constantly wonder whether they bring enough value to the relationship,” explains Stockwell. On the flipside, “don’t make your partner feel guilty about earning more—celebrate what they bring to the relationship just as you celebrate what you bring, too,” adds Stockwell.

Related: How to Reframe the Way You Think About Money

4. Invite vulnerability and find common ground

If you are used to being in control, but a change puts power in someone else’s hands, you may feel emotionally off-kilter. Resist the urge to fall back into old patterns. Offer empathy to yourself as well as the other person. What you may perceive as being “weaker” may actually be an opportunity for expansive self-growth. And your prior role of the “stronger” one may have been only a coping mechanism.

If you find yourself doubting the strength of your connection with another person, it can help to remember what initially brought you together. Psychotherapist Babita Spinelli advises to “focus on shared values, interests and experiences to help maintain the friendship bond,” reflect on the positive times and remind yourselves of your shared foundation.

5. Embrace an abundance mindset

Cheering someone else on when you feel lacking may seem disingenuous, as though you’re depriving yourself. Try not to judge yourself for being envious, advises Spinelli. “You can hold space for those feelings while simultaneously working on shifting your mindset and feeling happiness for your friend’s achievements,” she says.

“Practicing gratitude for what you already have can help you acknowledge the hard work your friend has put in to achieve their success,” says Spinelli. And if you’re insecure, remind yourself of your own accomplishments. Spinelli suggests shifting to a perspective of abundance to counteract the notion that there isn’t enough of the good stuff to go around for everyone.

To practice an abundance mindset, try meditating for as little as five minutes each morning, slowing your breath and closing with affirmations such as, “I am open to the generosity of the universe. I appreciate my gifts and abilities. I am worthy and I am loved.”

Related: 6 Ways to Embrace an Abundance Mindset

6. Be open to collaboration

When a friend or coworker changes status or gets spotlighted, it may cause uncomfortable feelings to bubble up. Spinelli says, “It’s natural to experience a mix of emotions when someone close to you gets a promotion, especially if you report to them.”

In some cases, fear can immobilize you. And when you’re unable to see what’s possible, you’ll likely miss your own chance to shine. Being happy for another person’s success brings the potential to inspire your own accomplishments, either through healthy competition, brainstorming, sharing connections or a host of other ways. Make sure to “keep the lines of communication open by talking about how you both can continue to collaborate effectively in your new roles,” says Spinelli, and to boost confidence, “take the time to write down your own strengths and achievements, and remind yourself that your time will come.”

When it’s a coworker who is doing well, Spinelli suggests using their success as an opportunity to springboard personal development and set your own goals. “You can also seek feedback from your manager and colleagues on ways to enhance your skills and increase your chances of professional growth,” suggests Spinelli.

7. Excavate your hidden truth

Shifting power dynamics won’t always be obvious and precipitated by clear events. They may be subtle and go unnoticed at first, such as one person growing in a new direction. Both parties may react, but without awareness, they won’t be able to recognize their behaviors. Manly says, “Self-work is a process that begins with mindfully slowing down to create opportunities for self-reflection. When you learn to nonjudgmentally pause to notice what is working for you and what isn’t, you can then create micro adjustments that, in time, foster substantive core changes in the long term.”

One method the doctor recommends to become more emotionally tuned in is free association journaling—where you write whatever springs to mind without editing or criticizing. Manly says journaling fosters consciousness that helps you avoid repressing feelings and beliefs, and “The more self-work you do, the more likely you are to come from a place of being attuned and responsive rather than reactive.“

Related: 9 Types of Journaling and How They Can Benefit Mental and Physical Health

8. Grow together or move on

Whether you find yourself in a place of newfound power, or depleted of your usual authority, Stockwell recommends asking yourself if you are open to the changes. And if not, however difficult, honor yourself and move on. Some relationships naturally run their course faster than others, and no one is to blame. Although, if a relationship is meaningful and you want it in your life, Stockwell says the key is acceptance regarding the other person’s changes, without trying to hinder or judge them.

No relationship can be perfectly equal all the time, but many can find a natural balance. Inevitably, there will be moments when one person dominates. By releasing expectations of what things “should” look like and how others “ought” to behave, it allows you to surrender a worn-out role and deepen self-awareness. Take time to reexamine notions of strength, weakness and control. Who knows, you might even be surprised to discover solace in vulnerability or empowerment in unlikely places.

Photo by Ground Picture/Shutterstock.com

The post How to Navigate Shifting Power Dynamics in Relationships, According to Experts appeared first on SUCCESS.

In some cases, we can avoid those individuals. But what if we need to meet face-to-face with someone who we know doesn’t like us at work, our kid’s daycare or even family gatherings on a regular basis? How do we manage to be around these people and still stay sane, productive and happy?

Recognize the signs that a person doesn’t like you

First, you need to understand the situation and really determine if someone doesn’t like you. Body language speaks louder than words—and while most of us know the signs, it’s still not easy to understand. “Most people can pick up on micro movements and muscles from others that we apply meaning around,” says Crystal Spiegel, LCSW, a social worker and psychotherapist at Therapy Arts. “What we’re tracking is eye contact. Do they have empathy toward us? A lack of curiosity might indicate that someone might not like us. Getting short answers, their body pulling away… aggressive language or being treated noticeably different than other people” all suggest that someone might not be our biggest fan.

But keep in mind that there might be other reasons for those behaviors. “Lack of eye contact, lack of empathy, short answers [and] lack of curiosity all could be [because someone is] shy or neurodivergent.” Before jumping to conclusions based on body language, give the other person the benefit of the doubt and a few opportunities to get to know them. The other person could simply be having a bad day or have demons they’re dealing with.

“[We are all better off] when we’re able to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, [particularly when] we don’t know the whole story,” says Becca Reed, LCSW, PMH-C, a licensed perinatal mental health and trauma therapist. “[It makes it easier to give] them grace [when we consider how] they [may] have things going on in their life that I might have no clue about.” If you say hello and they don’t respond right away, recognize that “they may have been in their own little heads, very focused on something, and [just] didn’t hear you,” she adds.

Other times, the signs are so obvious that we can’t miss them. “Being left out of activities or [a group] email is a big one,” says Suzette Bray, LMFT,  a licensed therapist and author of Your Emotions and You, DBT Explained and the Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook. “Sighing sometimes when you speak… an eye roll or [a] furrowed brow” are other indications that someone isn’t in sync with you.

Go along to get along

Should we just accept that these people don’t like us? And how can we make those interactions cordial? “As human beings, we want to try to find common ground,” Bray says. “We can give a genuine compliment, or we can ask how they did something and give them a chance to shine. [Or] we can try to validate them for their feelings and viewpoints.” However, centering conversations on a neutral topic and being polite is best.

“There is no blanket answer,” Spiegel says. The question to ask is, “‘How do you feel in your body? And how do you want to feel? What’s the discrepancy? And is it OK? Can you negotiate that with yourself?’” For example, if you don’t like your boss but you need to pay the bills, you need to manage until something better comes along. 

Making an extra effort may feel like a lot of work, but doing so can benefit us in the end. “It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be best friends, but being able to have mutual respect, if you will, can certainly make some of those interactions just run a little more smoothly and overall be more productive,” Reed says.

However you handle the situation, consider your own mental health. “Whatever you choose to do in that situation,” Spiegel says, “it should be in the service of you feeling grounded, clearheaded, open and able to do your job, [rather than] defensive and hyper-focused on not being liked or [feeling like you are] in this collapsed-feeling, small place.”

Learn how to handle rejection

Not being liked or not fitting in with a group can sting and feel like rejection. So what can you do to feel better?

First, recognize that each situation is different, and how someone feels about you may have nothing to do with you at all. You might remind them of someone who hurt them in the past and inadvertently make them uncomfortable. Or they may have jealous feelings about a success in your life or may not really know you.

Recognizing that being “liked” isn’t so simple is important. “How others treat you means a lot more about them than about you,” Bray says. “If [you] look like the mean girl from seventh grade, and that person doesn’t have the personal insight to get beyond that, [you have no control over that.” What we do have control over is how we respond and our own self-care.

At the end of the day, recognizing that you have value and seeking out friends and family who enjoy your company can make dealing with others easier. “Being really compassionate to ourselves and reminding ourselves that ‘I am competent, I’m valued, I have value,” [is important],” Bray adds. “This person’s opinion is not that meaningful. … If [you] do have to have extended interactions with this person, then follow ‘em up with people who love [you]. You interact with that person who’s difficult, [then] go have a phone call with a friend or go to [a trusted colleague] and get a little pump-up talk. Balance that out.”

Putting ourselves out there and knowing that we will be OK if we don’t get along with everyone is a real strength. “Being rejected socially doesn’t kill us,” Bray says. “Other people aren’t always aware of how they’re coming across, and getting good at exposing yourself to possible rejection [is] a really good life skill because we miss out on a lot [if] we’re afraid of possibly being judged. … And boy, if we could do that, if we could get rejected and bounce back, imagine all the opportunities we might reach out for if we know we’re not going to die from it.”

Photo courtesy Antonio Guillem/Shutterstock.com

The post How to Cope With the Signs That a Person Doesn’t Like You appeared first on SUCCESS.

When colleagues acknowledge each other’s efforts and contributions, it creates an environment where people feel genuinely valued. This recognition is essential, as it enhances motivation and reinforces a positive organizational culture. By encouraging an atmosphere where gratitude is openly expressed, organizations can cultivate a deeper sense of community and belonging among employees.

The psychology of gratitude and recognition

Research in psychology underscores the significant impact of gratitude and recognition on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being. Recognizing the efforts of peers boosts the morale of the recipient while simultaneously increasing the satisfaction of the giver. This mutual benefit is crucial for developing strong team dynamics and elevating overall productivity.

To harness the full potential of peer recognition, organizations must adopt strategic approaches that ensure its effectiveness and authenticity:

Encourage frequent, genuine praise 

Create channels and opportunities for employees to express their gratitude toward each other regularly. This could be through digital platforms, praise boards located in common areas or scheduled recognition moments in meetings.

• Digital platforms: With the rise of remote work and digital communication, leveraging technology can play a crucial role in enabling peer recognition. Organizations can utilize social intranet systems, where employees can post “shoutouts” or “kudos” to their peers for all to see. These platforms often come with features that allow others to comment and add their congratulations, thereby amplifying the recognition.

• Praise boards: For a more tactile and visually engaging approach, physical praise boards in common areas serve as a constant, visible reminder of the contributions made by team members. These boards can be filled with notes of thanks, commendation cards or even “star employee” features. By having this board in a shared space, it recognizes the individual and serves as an inspiration to others.

• Recognition moments in meetings: Carving out time during meetings specifically for the purpose of peer-to-peer recognition can institutionalize the practice of gratitude. This could be a part of regular team meetings where the floor is open for anyone to highlight the contributions of their colleagues. This dedicated time helps ensure that praise is an integral part of the workplace routine.

By implementing these channels, organizations encourage employees to acknowledge their peers for significant achievements as well as for the everyday acts of kindness and cooperation that contribute to a positive work atmosphere. It’s important that this praise is spontaneous and sincere to truly resonate with the recipients and reflect a culture that values authentic recognition.

Empower employees to recognize colleagues 

This is a transformative approach that nurtures an organic culture of gratitude within the organization. When employees are given the autonomy to acknowledge their peers, the impact of their recognition is greatly enhanced. 

Here’s how it can be effectively implemented:

• Recognition autonomy: Removing bureaucratic barriers and allowing employees to give recognition independently encourages a more dynamic and responsive appreciation system. When peers commend each other without waiting for approval or a special occasion, it signals that every team member’s contributions are valuable and noteworthy. 

• Spontaneous recognition: When the impulse to recognize a colleague is acted upon immediately, the authenticity of the gesture is unmistakable. This could be as simple as a thank you note, a small token of appreciation, or a shout out in a team chat. The spontaneity of such acts makes the appreciation feel more genuine and heartfelt.

• Peer-nominated awards: Create peer-nominated awards to celebrate various achievements and milestones. This provides recognition while allowing employees to be part of the decision-making process, fostering a sense of investment in the company’s culture of appreciation.

• Training and resources: Provide training and resources to help employees articulate their gratitude effectively. Empowerment comes with the ability to communicate effectively, and when employees are equipped with this skill, their words of appreciation can have a greater impact.

• Recognition tools: Offer resources that make recognizing each other easy and accessible. This can include apps, badges or points systems within the company’s intranet. These tools should be intuitive and integrable into the daily workflow, making recognition a seamless part of the workday.

• Leadership by example: Encourage leaders and managers to model recognition behaviors. When employees see their leaders recognizing the efforts of colleagues, it validates the practice and encourages them to do the same.

By developing an environment where employees are free to appreciate each other’s contributions, organizations can build a more connected and supportive workplace. Autonomy in recognition contributes to a sense of empowerment among employees, which can enhance job satisfaction, foster collaboration and ultimately drive organizational success.

Tie recognition to achievements and values

Linking recognition to specific achievements and the organization’s core values not only highlights individual accomplishments but also reinforces the behaviors that lead to organizational success. 

Here are some ways to accomplish this:

• Strategic recognition alignment: For recognition to have a lasting impact, it should be strategically aligned with both individual achievements and the organization’s core values. This dual focus ensures that employees are celebrated for their successes and for embodying the principles that define the company’s culture.

• Define and communicate core values: Clearly articulate the organization’s core values and ensure they are communicated effectively to all employees. This helps everyone understand the behaviors and outcomes that are most valued.

• Recognition criteria based on values: Develop recognition criteria that reflects these values. When employees are recognized for actions that align with the company’s values, it serves as a powerful reinforcement, encouraging others to act similarly.

• Celebrate milestones and exceptional work: While everyday contributions are important, it’s also crucial to recognize significant milestones and exceptional work. Whether it’s completing a major project, going above and beyond in customer service, or demonstrating innovation, these accomplishments should be highlighted and celebrated in the context of how they align with organizational values.

• Integrate values into performance reviews: Encourage managers to integrate value-based recognition into performance reviews. This shows that the company takes its values seriously and that they are more than just words on a page.

• Storytelling of recognized behaviors: Share stories of recognized employees through company channels, like newsletters or meetings. Storytelling can illustrate how an employee’s actions exemplify a core value, making the abstract tangible and relatable.

By intertwining recognition with achievements and values, organizations can create a healthy culture where employees feel genuinely appreciated and are motivated to contribute to the organization’s vision and success. This strategic approach solidifies a values-driven culture that can significantly enhance employee engagement, satisfaction and loyalty.

Many leading companies have integrated gratitude into their corporate ethos. For instance, some use service awards to celebrate employee milestones and exemplary service, effectively acknowledging the sustained efforts of their staff. These programs often lead to higher levels of employee engagement and retention. Over time, these factors contribute significantly to organizational resilience and capacity for innovation. So, only one question remains: What are you waiting for?

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While there are some situations where the end of a friendship doesn’t need to happen, closing the chapter on one can sometimes be the best choice for you to make—especially if the relationship has become unhealthy. A friendship that once had you and your friend connecting well may have soured. But ending a friendship can be tricky. Below, we take a look at how this particular situation can be handled.

How do you know when to end a friendship?

Knowing when to end a friendship can be difficult, especially since it can sometimes be hard to recognize the signs. However, there are some universal signs to keep an eye out for—including growing trust issues, differences in core values, insults, manipulation and negative effects on your mental health. While friendships won’t always be smooth sailing, it’s important to reevaluate a friendship if you notice these kinds of signs.

The following signs can point to an unhealthy relationship that may be worth ending, particularly if you notice the same issue again and again.

Signs of an unhealthy relationship  

When it comes to ending a friendship, the relationship will oftentimes reach a point of being unhealthy or even toxic. This can come about through any of the signs previously mentioned, such as if there’s no feeling of trust or mutual respect between you and your friend or if you’re experiencing friendship anxiety and your mental health is suffering due to the relationship.

If you notice signs of an unhealthy relationship, you should step back from the situation and take time to determine if your friendship has turned toxic in some capacity. Layne Baker, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, suggests that you ask yourself the following questions: 

• “Was it an energy-giving or an energy-taking experience for you?”
• “Did you feel heard and cared for? Did you hear and care for your friend?”
• “Did you feel connected to this person and enjoy spending time around them?” 

“Check in with how you feel after spending time with your friend,” Baker adds. “These questions are a great starting point for listening to your gut and determining if it’s time to end a friendship.” 

How to end a friendship

Ending a friendship is a hard decision to make, but the actual process of breaking up with a friend can be done with mutual respect and honesty through conversation, or the friendship may just naturally come to a close. In some cases, such as when a friendship has soured and turned toxic, a more immediate end to the friendship might be needed. The right way to end a friendship will depend on which approach you feel most comfortable with, but, in general, these steps on how to end a friendship will be helpful.

1. Practice compassion

The end of a friendship will be hard on both you and your friend. Practicing compassion as you prepare to talk with your friend about ending your relationship will help shape how you approach them. Think over exactly what you want to say and how your friend may respond. Compassion doesn’t mean you’re accepting bad treatment—just that you’re taking time to see the situation from the other side’s perspective.

2. Have a conversation with your friend

Similar to how you might end a romantic relationship, a conversation with your friend about where you’re at in the friendship is important. “Start with getting clear about why the friendship no longer works for you, and bring these things to your friend in a conversation,” Baker says. “It will probably be hard. But the hard conversation is crucial to intentionally ending a friendship and setting any necessary boundaries.”

3. Determine what type of “break up” needs to happen

Following a conversation, it’s time to move forward with the actual ending of a friendship. This can take shape in a few different ways. Your friendship may naturally fade out over time. 

Some friendship “break up” conversations might lead to a temporary break, particularly if you and your friend can resolve your differences or if you’d both like more time to consider ending the relationship.

Lastly, you could immediately end the friendship. Ending a friendship this way can often be the best choice in cases where a friendship has become manipulative, or you’re having recurring boundary violations or other unhealthy issues. You don’t always owe someone an explanation as to why you’re ending a friendship, especially when it comes to your own well-being. 

How do you process the end of a friendship?

The end of a friendship can be a painful experience, just as the end of a romantic relationship can be. You won’t just automatically get over the breakup instantly. Expect to feel sad and even upset over the loss. “There was a point in time where this person meant something to you—enough for you to call them a friend,” Baker says. “No matter which side of the breakup you’re on, loss is loss; and loss is accompanied by grief.”

You’re going to have a lot of emotions surrounding an ended friendship. You can begin processing those emotions and thoughts by:

1. Acknowledging your feelings. Ending a friendship is hard, and it’s important to recognize you’ve lost a person you cared about, no matter the reason the friendship ended.
2. Journaling about the loss, be that through the traditional “Dear Diary” approach, making a list or noting down what you’re feeling about the end of your friendship.
3. Talking it out with your family or friends. Ending a friendship can leave behind a void, so reaching out to your loved ones to talk about the loss can help you process it out loud.
4. Putting some energy into old friendships. Your other friends are still there, and spending time with them can help you feel less alone, even if you’re just having a veg-out session on the couch after work.

Photo by Cast Of Thousands/Shutterstock.com

The post Is It Time to End a Friendship? Here’s How to Handle It appeared first on SUCCESS.

What is ageism?

Age stereotypes, or ageism, refers to how we think about, prejudice and discriminate against other people, or even ourselves, based on age.

Harvard Business Review released survey findings that uncovered just how pervasive gendered ageism is. The survey revealed that women, both young and old, were likely to face ageism throughout their careers. As a woman myself, I’ve seen this play out again and again.

Early in my career, I was the one looking for opportunities. I was willing to learn from anyone and craved advancement. I applied for roles at the company I worked for regularly, and I heard the same script every time: “Not now. Your time will come.” Why? It wasn’t because I wasn’t ready—I consistently received positive feedback from managers and colleagues. The reason was simple: I was too young to be seen as credible.

My response to this constant barrage of ageism, like so many other women just beginning their careers, was to navigate the naysayers and try to act older to enhance my perceived authority. When it was clear that I couldn’t “act” my way up the ladder at my first job, I left. Interestingly, my next employer apparently hadn’t gotten the gendered ageism memo––it wasn’t long before “my time” came there, despite my youth.

Understanding the heart of gendered ageism

I share this story to highlight the fact that ageism affects all female employees, not just those who are older. Though workplace ageism is often stereotyped to describe veteran employees, it’s just as challenging for younger workers. 

A study coauthored by researchers in the United States and the United Kingdom showed that Gen Z and millennial workers were more likely to feel age bias than their Gen X and baby boomer counterparts. I get it. I’ve been there. It’s an uphill climb when you’re starting out as a young woman in business.

However, there’s little time to rejoice when you reach middle age. The moment you have a couple of decades under your belt or managing experience, some employers may consider you “over the hill”—and less promotable because of it. 

A recent survey that illustrated the U-shaped trajectory of gendered ageism showed that 77% of women under age 35 reported being judged as too young, and 88% of those who were ages 59–64 concurred. Essentially, gendered ageism seemed to spike at either end of the spectrum.

I find both gendered ageism and its traveling companion, imposter syndrome, beyond frustrating. Put simply, imposter syndrome is the feeling that  you’re (somehow) just not good enough for whatever position you’re in. Women are particularly susceptible to imposter syndrome, with a KPMG study revealing that it affects roughly three-quarters of female executives. Add gendered ageism into the mix and imposter syndrome only gets worse for professional women, regardless of position or longevity.

Chief among my frustrations is the simple fact that aging isn’t a choice. We can’t stop the clock. We’re all destined to be young, just as we’re all destined to get older (if we’re lucky). Consequently, we have to find ways to challenge stereotypes and discover our voices in the workplace.

How to combat age stereotypes in the workplace

Fortunately for female managers and employees, there are several targeted ways to combat ageism and advance your career. To effectively tackle the workplace challenges posed by ageism and impostor syndrome, consider the following steps:

1. Embrace authenticity and self-worth

Most women I know have played the “fake it ‘til you make it” game until they’re blue in the face. They feel they have no choice but to adopt different styles to fit in or seem authoritative. The professional world can make us feel like we must take on alternative personas to get ahead rather than embrace who we are and lead with authenticity. It’s a vicious cycle that makes it very difficult to bring our unique voices and perspectives into our work—perhaps most notably when we’re in male-dominated industries and roles.

Personally, I recommend that all women start by facing their perceptions about getting older. Even practices such as looking at yourself in the mirror or reflecting on the positive aspects of getting older can help you learn to stress less. Age is just one part of anyone’s identity; focusing on it too heavily allows women to mistakenly believe that it’s the primary characteristic that defines them. It’s better to concentrate on personal facets that are more meaningful, such as talents, experiences and credentials. If you believe in your own worth, it becomes easier to convince others.

2. Prioritize support and unity among women

It’s also essential for women to support other women and break free from systemic female rivalry, sometimes referred to as Queen Bee Syndrome.

Women who want to break ageism barriers need to recognize, acknowledge and embrace the experiences and perspectives all women bring to the table. They need to advocate for and hold onto belief in themselves rather than feel like they have to prove their worth.

It’s a tall order, I know. As reported by Pew Research, 58% of Americans feel that women have to constantly go the extra mile at work to be seen as equally capable as the male employees around them. Nevertheless, working against this belief and following more authentic strategies will help women of all ages advance their careers and be able to shed the trappings of ageism.

As a manager, encourage women who are younger. As an employee, seek out older women to connect with and learn from. No woman should feel like she has to go it alone to succeed in business or shake up the status quo.

3. Be vocal and take action

Finally, I call upon everyone to speak up when they see or experience gendered ageism in the workplace. Nothing changes when a problem isn’t identified. By respectfully calling out ageism when we see it, we give the practice less power and control. At the same time, we have the chance to help those around us rise and bring new energy and ideas to the table.

When a popular Canadian TV anchor was fired in 2022, journalists questioned whether ageism was at play. After all, women who have surpassed the 40- or 50-year mark are often considered “old,” especially in the world of TV and film. In contrast, men behind the news desk look “distinguished.” This disparity in perception extends far beyond the media industry. Many workplaces share this unspoken bias, so it’s imperative to recognize and challenge these stereotypes.

By initiating conversations and promoting practices that encourage diverse representation in all sectors, we can drive change. Even as an employee or manager, you can be proactive by really getting to know the people on your team and talking about the values you have for the work environment (such as how we show up as a team and support one another, how we appreciate the uniqueness and differences each person brings or expectations around communication). When people know you care, it’s an opportunity to create comfort by talking about the uncomfortable.

I believe most people have the best intentions and don’t realize they may be perpetuating ageism, bias or stereotypes. A respectful way to increase awareness is to challenge assumptions. You can do this by simply asking, “What assumptions are you making (about this person or situation)?” A negative assumption or stereotype typically causes the person to reflect, which increases awareness and reduces the chance they’ll do it again.

Mid-level managers and employees play a pivotal role in transforming workplace culture. By challenging age stereotypes and advocating for a more inclusive environment, they not only pave the way for their own advancement but also create opportunities for others, regardless of age. 

Age discrimination has long been due for an overhaul. As more people work toward eliminating it, we can bid discrimination farewell—and give it the retirement it deserves.

Photo by megaflopp/Shutterstock.com

The post Breaking Barriers: How to Challenge Age Stereotypes In the Workplace appeared first on SUCCESS.

Therefore, there are certain things you can do, as a mentee, to make sure your relationship with your mentor stays strong and beneficial, even during the busiest quarters.

So whether you’re looking for a mentor or already have one, here are a few things to remember to be a good mentee.

1. Clearly communicate that you’re looking for a mentor

Sometimes people consider asking to get coffee or for 15 minutes of time as the start of a mentorship, but it helps if you’re transparent and they know that you’re actually asking for a mentor. (You might be surprised—they might invest more in the conversation.)

So reach out with an explicit purpose. If an email only mentions grabbing coffee, it may seem less pressing. And if you do get on their calendar, don’t expect them to commit to future meetings where you’re looking to “pick their brain.” Present expectations as to what you are looking for. Maybe it’s a monthly meeting over coffee or 20-minute phone calls every other week. This will allow them to either commit or decline your offer and even open the conversation up to a third response—they may be inclined to introduce you to someone on their team or in their network who they feel is a better fit.

2. Know what you want

Before you approach a potential mentor, ask yourself:

• What am I trying to learn? What are my short- and long-term goals?
• Why am I courting this particular leader? (Note: Because he or she is rich and/or famous is not a valid reason.) How can he or she help me achieve those goals?
• At the end of the year, what will I consider a win or a gain from this relationship?

3. Understand the mentor-mentee relationship

Mentoring should be friendly, but it’s not a friendship. The time is used intentionally, with well-defined objectives for each session that support a long-term, overarching goal.

Yet, you should also treat a mentorship like any other relationship in your life. It’s important to acknowledge when specific advice or feedback is particularly helpful. Share your success stories from the feedback they gave you. Chances are, your mentor will really appreciate it and may go on to share that same advice with others.

Think of it like working with a personal trainer: If a certain workout is making an impact, telling your trainer will only benefit you both. Don’t be too shy to brag a little! After all, you couldn’t have done it without their help.

4. Respect your mentor’s time

When one of my heroes, the legendary basketball coach John Wooden, agreed to meet with me, I treated the opportunity as a one-shot deal. I arrived at his Los Angeles apartment armed with five pages of questions, single-spaced, on a legal pad. He looked at me a little stunned, but then granted me hours of his time. At the end of our meeting, he looked at me and said, “John, I enjoyed this. When you think of more questions, you can come back and see me again.” Score!

One of my former mentees is Courtney McBath, a remarkably talented young man who established Calvary Revival Church in Virginia, now one of the nation’s biggest congregations. McBath would start each of our sessions like this:

• This is what you said…
• This is what I learned…
• This is what I did…
• Did I do it right?
• Can I ask another question?
• My answer was always: “Ask away.”

Also remember, face-to-face meetings are great; however, we’re all busy and you don’t want to lose steam waiting to find a slot on someone’s calendar. A mentor is there to give advice when you need it most, and sometimes that advice can be shared on a quick call or a single question email.

5. Know when you’re ready

My first mentors—after my dad—were books and audiotapes. I was just starting out. I wasn’t qualified to be tutored by anyone yet. What did I know?

Start with independent study. Keep notes. Write down your questions. The best of those inquiries might become your version of the “John Wooden list.”

6. Show your growth as a mentee

Once you do land a mentor, share your successes, large and small. Mentors don’t ask to be paid. Their reward is your success.

7. How to be a great mentee: Spread the love

Nothing makes a mentor happier than to hear that you’ve adopted a mentee, that you’re sharing what you learned through your mentorship experience with others in your networks and circles.

Your mentor initially agreed to this relationship as an act of paying it forward. Someone along the way helped them, and now it’s their turn to help you. By sharing their time and looking for ways to help you succeed, an unspoken piece of advice from them to you is to do this for others.

Part of this article originally appeared in the March 2018 issue of SUCCESS magazine and was updated in April 2024. Mona Patel contributed to this article. Photo By fizkes/Shutterstock.com

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