Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., doesn’t just write self-help books. The practicing individual and couples therapist’s recent book Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow, and Thrive, is a collection of daily morsels of relationship wisdom, like offering empathy before advice and learning the difference between reactive and intentional breakups. The book is written in a way that allows couples to read it together or on their own. Solomon also hosts the podcast “Reimagining Love,” which features listeners and expert guests.
We spoke with Solomon about her book and her work as a clinician, educator and author to learn how to improve self-awareness in relationships and build healthier connections.
Q&A with Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D.
(This conversation has been edited for clarity and length.)
SUCCESS: To start, can you tell me a little bit about your work?
Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D.: I am trained as a licensed clinical psychologist and a couples therapist. My career for the last 25 years has been like the three corners of a triangle.: I do clinical work with individuals and couples of all ages and stages of relationship development. I teach an undergraduate relationship and sexuality education class at Northwestern University called “Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101.” Then the third corner of the triangle is all the translational work that I do translating clinical wisdom and research into the self-help books that I write, the podcast and social media.
S: Love Every Day is in a 365 format. Tell me about your decision to structure it this way.
AS: I love books that are 365. I think it’s such a generous offering for an author to give you a little tidbit for every day. I think I created something that I’ve always enjoyed consuming, but I think there’s also a way that the format of the book parallels both a therapeutic, healing journal and the work of being in an intimate partnership.
S: Relationships are also about consistency, and maybe getting in the habit of reading a daily relationship practice could be fun, too.
AS: It’s been really sweet to hear the stories about how couples are using this book. For example, the book sits on the kitchen table and the couple reads an entry over their morning coffee or it’s sitting on their nightstand and they take a peek at the entry before they go to bed. It doesn’t have to be every single day. I don’t want people to feel like there’s an all- or- nothing approach.
S: Why is it so important to know yourself while you’re considering and dissecting your relationships?
AS: There are two arenas from which we source our hopes, expectations and fears in intimate partnerships. One is the family system that we grew up in—we bring all of our family dynamics in. The other is a kind of cultural socialization—the cultural expectations for relationships and gendered expectations about relationships.
S: Relationships have evolved. What would you say has remained consistent about relationships throughout the time of your practice?
AS: The first batch of college students that I taught are now well into their forties. I have a generational perspective on college students and also couples. There’s a lot that has remained consistent the last couple of decades. We continue to bring our wounds and baggage into our intimate relationships, and we are really craving a place to be seen, heard and understood.
S: We have a reluctance now to define relationships. Tell me about how these generational differences play out.
AS: That’s the biggest pattern that I have seen in my college classroom. When I started teaching the class 24 years ago, it was not at all uncommon for me to have an engaged couple in my class. If I polled my students, they would fall into one of two buckets: single or partnered. If I polled my students this year, it would have been singled, kind of singled, a little bit partnered but I don’t know what it is, and then committed. There’s much more relational ambiguity, and part of that is a reflection of the larger social shifts.
S: In that case, you can practice relational self-awareness, no matter what kind of relationship you’re seeking or what you want out of your relationships—even if the end goal is not necessarily marriage.
AS: I think that when we practice relational self-awareness, people feel safe around us. People feel warm around us, like seen and cared for. So it is definitely a kind of set of practices and principles that really enhance all of our relationships.
S: What would you say are the most important pillars of strength in a relationship from a self-awareness lens?
AS: One pillar that is essential is the ability to apologize and the ability to forgive. Relationship ruptures are going to happen. It is inevitable that we are going to be frustrated by our partner. Another essential skill for our romantic relationships is sexual self-awareness. Being willing to approach the inevitable sexual challenges that couples face with care and curiosity versus fear and judgment. Last, our family system we grew up in has such a huge impact on how we show up in our romantic relationships. Relational self-awareness is about knowing when your reactivity is about more than just this moment with your partner.
S: Is there anything in particular that you would really want someone to take away after reading your book?
AS: I think the most important thing is to let go of the highly romanticized notion that relationships shouldn’t be work or—that if you hit a bump in the road or there are struggles or problems, it must mean that you’ve chosen wrong. In your relationship, moments of frustration and misunderstanding are also opportunities to learn more about yourself and more about your partner.
Image courtesy of Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D.