Who’s your BFF? When you were a teenager, it was probably easy to name at least one or two. You may have even prioritized your friends over your family and spent all your time with them. But in adulthood, it might be more difficult to discern which friends you can rely on and figure out how to carve out enough time in your busy life to enjoy and maintain adult friendships. Here’s how to determine who those true friends are and how you can prioritize them.
Clearly define “friendship”
To figure out who your friends are, first define the word. A friendship is “a relationship between two people where they both feel seen and safe in satisfying ways,” says Shasta Nelson, a social relationships expert and the author of The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of Our Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time. Nelson claims that multiple research studies say people who have healthy friendships have “consistency, vulnerability and positivity” in their relationships.
It’s also important to note that friends, unlike your family, are a choice. “Friendship is voluntary,” says Anna Goldfarb, a journalist and author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections. “It’s one of the only voluntary relationships where both people are on equal footing.”
Understand how friendship changes from the teenage years to adulthood
A normal part of development for teenagers is using their friendships to craft their identity and figure out where they belong. These relationships also provide a way to deal with challenging situations. Research has shown that when teens turn to their friends during stressful times, they can cope more effectively and they are happier than those who didn’t seek out friends.
Like teenage friendships, adult friendships are important for your mental health and sense of belonging. “Our friendships leave us feeling like we belong,” Nelson says. “And that ends up creating a sense of safety in our brain[s].”
Even though friendships serve a similar purpose for teenagers and adults, it can be harder to nurture friendships as adults. Goldfarb explains that one of the reasons friendships change with age is because “the problems you have are much more simple” when you’re a teenager—“[and] we have way more challenges to our free time as we get older.” She also adds that another reason for this change is time constraints. When you’re a teenager, you and your friends are typically in school together and have fewer responsibilities than adults. As adults, “we don’t have an institution gluing our friendships in place,” she says.
6 ways to nurture your adult friendships
1. Identify a priority friendship list
So how do you maintain adult friendships despite the challenges of having limited time and increased responsibilities? According to Nelson, the first step is to identify which friendships you want to prioritize.
It’s normal for friendships to change over time. “About half of our close friends, every seven years, might not be the same people we were close to seven years ago,” she says. “But we do want some of our friendships to continue through all of the different life changes.”
Nelson suggests writing a list of the friendships you want to prioritize. She explains that the people on the list should be “the people we’re committed to making time for [and] the people that we’re committed to reaching out to.”
Similarly, Goldfarb says, “You need to be very intentional with who you’re committing to.” She explains that you can only love a few people deeply, and if you have too many people on your list, “[you’ll be] depleted so quickly. It’s not sustainable.”
2. Tell your friends that they’re VIPs
When you marry someone, you’re defining that relationship and committing to prioritizing that person. Goldfarb says that friendships should be clearly defined in a similar way. “Tell them that they’re your close friends to get rid of ambiguity,” she says. After Goldfarb has told her friends that she considers them a best friend, she says that “it really changes the energy” by helping the other person feel certain about their relationship.
3. Explain what it means to be on your priority friend list
After you’ve told your friend that they’re on your priority list, Goldfarb advises explaining what that means to you. This helps to further remove ambiguity and is something that most teenagers easily do.
Even as adults, it’s still helpful to continue openly discussing this. “When [we were] younger,” she says, “we would be like, ‘You’re my best friend.’” Now, she defines the friendship by telling her friend, “‘I will reply to your text messages as soon as I can… [and] celebrate your birthday every year. … I’m going to commit to being there [for you].’” She explains that it’s similar to being in a fan club with perks for members.
4. Be mindful of power dynamics
Since friendships are voluntary, Goldfarb says that it’s important to be “mindful of power dynamics. Don’t try to dominate your friends—they don’t like it,” she adds. This means avoiding the word “should,” as in, “‘You should dye your hair’” or “‘You should go to this gym.’” She explains that a healthy relationship means “approaching your friend as a teammate” who you support.
5. Be consistent if a friendship is fading
If you notice that your friendship doesn’t seem as strong as it once was, Nelson suggests being more consistent. Ask your friend, “‘How can we get together and spend more time together?’” If scheduling is an issue, you could set a regular meet-up time—like getting together for coffee on Monday mornings at 8 a.m.
6. Ask and affirm if you haven’t spoken in a while
“Do the two A’s,” Nelson says. “Affirm the relationship and ask for how we can reconnect or ask for what we need.” Affirming could mean saying that you miss spending time with your friend. “That tells the person that they matter,” she says. “The goal is to verbally acknowledge that there was an absence. We’re not trying to pretend it didn’t happen.”
The next step, asking, means figuring out a way to see each other. “The goal in these cases is to acknowledge there has been a distance and a gap and then do what you can to close the gap and get that time scheduled,” Nelson adds.
As an adult, it can be hard to make time for your friendships, but you will be glad that you did. Just look at Woody from Toy Story 2, who says, “Besides, when it all ends, I’ll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company—for infinity and beyond.”
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