“The courage to be vulnerable is not about winning or losing, it’s about the courage to show up when you can’t predict or control the outcome.” — Research professor Brené Brown, Ph.D.
Power dynamics are borne out of a role you’ve unknowingly been cast in, making a relationship sometimes feel like a Broadway show with no intermission in sight. Friend, coworker or lover, those ingrained habits can be tricky to shake. And when behavior ripples alter your emotional status, however small, both parties may feel adrift. “Change of any sort can be difficult—even when the change is a positive one,” says clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., author of The Joy of Imperfect Love, Joy from Fear and Date Smart.
In order to keep the peace, you might cling to familiar patterns, diminish your own success and find yourself questioning whether the relationship is worth the struggle. For insights on how to navigate uncertainty, we consulted with experts in the field of psychology and relationships. Here’s their advice on how to maneuver shifting power dynamics in relationships.
1. Find the root of your emotions
When a romantic partner or friend is experiencing an upswing, you may discover competitiveness rising to the surface and feel as though your personal power is lessening. What matters most according to Manly is what you do with those feelings. Learn to make friends with envy, suggests the doctor…begin by noticing your feelings without judgment. Then look for the root cause, such as insecurity or unworthiness. Work to release those feelings and “channel your energy into following your own dreams” and “mindfully sending positive energy to the other person.”
Intimacy coach Alexandra Stockwell, M.D., host of the Intimate Marriage Podcast, says it’s crucial to examine what’s driving your feelings. Take time to reflect. It’s possible, “your jealousy stems less from your partner’s triumphs and more about wanting to have your partner back you in pursuing your goals, too,” according to Stockwell. By identifying the cause of your tension, it helps communicate your needs and allows you to celebrate your partner.
Related: 4 Steps to Stop Comparing Your Success to Others’
2. Don’t fake your feelings
Opening up isn’t always easy, especially if you anticipate the other person may become reactive, and a well-intentioned discussion may escalate into an argument. Yet clearing the air is crucial for your emotional well-being and that of the relationship.
Stockwell cautions against, “Going straight to pretending to be happy for your partner, when you actually feel more complicated feelings.” Doing so may end up “causing a rift in your relationship because your partner may have no idea what is really going on.” Meanwhile, your partner may sense you aren’t truly happy for them.
Manly recommends assessing the situation. If you’re noticing a power dynamic imbalance, or feel neglected, determine if this seems a temporary change you can grasp, or if it’s part of a larger issue. If it’s an occasional power dynamic imbalance, the doctor says, “you can mindfully navigate these periods by focusing on other aspects of your life.”
However, if the change seems long term, and “your partner is consistently focused on work and has little or no time to devote to the relationship, feelings of being ignored and unimportant are likely to become cemented over time.” In this case, the doctor suggests calmly talking to your partner about “how you might work together to create more balance and connection.”
3. Examine your ideas about money and power
When a romantic partner is earning more money than they have in the past, power dynamics can shift in both directions. It’s possible the person earning less may feel threatened. If not addressed, these destructive feelings can brew and harm the relationship.
A research study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, examined how perceived power influenced various aspects of relationships. Out of 181 heterosexual couples between ages 18 and 71 years old, findings showed the happiest couples were those who felt strong levels of personal power and collaborated on important life decisions.
Stockwell says, determine “whether money and power are linked in your relationship.” If so, the person earning more money will have more of a voice than the one earning less. When you feel depleted of power due to income, it can negatively impact the relationship over time, according to Stockwell. Try to discuss the situation without blame and come from a compassionate place—the doctor advises figuring out a way to “decouple power from money in your relationship.”
If income and assets are associated with your self-worth, “the person earning less will constantly wonder whether they bring enough value to the relationship,” explains Stockwell. On the flipside, “don’t make your partner feel guilty about earning more—celebrate what they bring to the relationship just as you celebrate what you bring, too,” adds Stockwell.
Related: How to Reframe the Way You Think About Money
4. Invite vulnerability and find common ground
If you are used to being in control, but a change puts power in someone else’s hands, you may feel emotionally off-kilter. Resist the urge to fall back into old patterns. Offer empathy to yourself as well as the other person. What you may perceive as being “weaker” may actually be an opportunity for expansive self-growth. And your prior role of the “stronger” one may have been only a coping mechanism.
If you find yourself doubting the strength of your connection with another person, it can help to remember what initially brought you together. Psychotherapist Babita Spinelli advises to “focus on shared values, interests and experiences to help maintain the friendship bond,” reflect on the positive times and remind yourselves of your shared foundation.
5. Embrace an abundance mindset
Cheering someone else on when you feel lacking may seem disingenuous, as though you’re depriving yourself. Try not to judge yourself for being envious, advises Spinelli. “You can hold space for those feelings while simultaneously working on shifting your mindset and feeling happiness for your friend’s achievements,” she says.
“Practicing gratitude for what you already have can help you acknowledge the hard work your friend has put in to achieve their success,” says Spinelli. And if you’re insecure, remind yourself of your own accomplishments. Spinelli suggests shifting to a perspective of abundance to counteract the notion that there isn’t enough of the good stuff to go around for everyone.
To practice an abundance mindset, try meditating for as little as five minutes each morning, slowing your breath and closing with affirmations such as, “I am open to the generosity of the universe. I appreciate my gifts and abilities. I am worthy and I am loved.”
Related: 6 Ways to Embrace an Abundance Mindset
6. Be open to collaboration
When a friend or coworker changes status or gets spotlighted, it may cause uncomfortable feelings to bubble up. Spinelli says, “It’s natural to experience a mix of emotions when someone close to you gets a promotion, especially if you report to them.”
In some cases, fear can immobilize you. And when you’re unable to see what’s possible, you’ll likely miss your own chance to shine. Being happy for another person’s success brings the potential to inspire your own accomplishments, either through healthy competition, brainstorming, sharing connections or a host of other ways. Make sure to “keep the lines of communication open by talking about how you both can continue to collaborate effectively in your new roles,” says Spinelli, and to boost confidence, “take the time to write down your own strengths and achievements, and remind yourself that your time will come.”
When it’s a coworker who is doing well, Spinelli suggests using their success as an opportunity to springboard personal development and set your own goals. “You can also seek feedback from your manager and colleagues on ways to enhance your skills and increase your chances of professional growth,” suggests Spinelli.
7. Excavate your hidden truth
Shifting power dynamics won’t always be obvious and precipitated by clear events. They may be subtle and go unnoticed at first, such as one person growing in a new direction. Both parties may react, but without awareness, they won’t be able to recognize their behaviors. Manly says, “Self-work is a process that begins with mindfully slowing down to create opportunities for self-reflection. When you learn to nonjudgmentally pause to notice what is working for you and what isn’t, you can then create micro adjustments that, in time, foster substantive core changes in the long term.”
One method the doctor recommends to become more emotionally tuned in is free association journaling—where you write whatever springs to mind without editing or criticizing. Manly says journaling fosters consciousness that helps you avoid repressing feelings and beliefs, and “The more self-work you do, the more likely you are to come from a place of being attuned and responsive rather than reactive.“
Related: 9 Types of Journaling and How They Can Benefit Mental and Physical Health
8. Grow together or move on
Whether you find yourself in a place of newfound power, or depleted of your usual authority, Stockwell recommends asking yourself if you are open to the changes. And if not, however difficult, honor yourself and move on. Some relationships naturally run their course faster than others, and no one is to blame. Although, if a relationship is meaningful and you want it in your life, Stockwell says the key is acceptance regarding the other person’s changes, without trying to hinder or judge them.
No relationship can be perfectly equal all the time, but many can find a natural balance. Inevitably, there will be moments when one person dominates. By releasing expectations of what things “should” look like and how others “ought” to behave, it allows you to surrender a worn-out role and deepen self-awareness. Take time to reexamine notions of strength, weakness and control. Who knows, you might even be surprised to discover solace in vulnerability or empowerment in unlikely places.
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